I Am Still Alive! - Just When Is It A Good Time?

Yep, I did it again! It has been a long while since you have heard from this old girl but life is just passing right by. I must admit, I think almost everyday about things I could go on an on about right here in this little space, but the day and night get away from me and then its over, the day and my desire to write words that would be an encouragement, bring laughter or perhaps tears.

Just to set the mood, I am in our office with Lucy in my lap, Katherine is sleeping on the couch because a day at clinic and school have slap worn her out and my honey is out of town which means Kaye and I will have Chinese food for dinner! Today was hard, my thoughts were not about me in anyway, well ok, I have gained eight extra pounds and I hate how my jeans feel and I did think about that.

We are on our knees these days lifting another sweet young man up because he is just not doing well. We met Matthew Litchfield just 2 weeks after Katherine was first admitted to Vandy back in September, 2006. He was a quiet, blond tall young man. We watched him go through chemo treatments like Kaye, same side effects but he also had to go through a bone marrow transplant. The year was so hard on his body but he did everything that was required and I enjoyed seeing him in clinic and sometimes Kaye and Matthew were in the hospital at the same time so Tricia, his mom and I would "hang out" on the floor. Tricia always love talking to Kaye and I remembered one time during her last hospital stay this summer Matthew was in the hospital. On our nightly laps we would stop in and see the two of them. We would smile and say HI to Matthew and then Kaye would say Hi, Tricia would always say, "She is a pretty girl, say Hi!". Tricia always made me laugh and she sure is a great momma. Matthew was able to go on his Make A Wish Trip to Hawaii, he loved it, but right before he left they were told "his numbers" did not look right. Once back the nightmare began again, Matthew had indeed relapsed and that meant another transplant and huge volumes of chemo to get him "clean" again before he could even be ready for another transplant. He is currently on 6A at Vandy fighting for every breath and there are hundreds of people praying and begging God for this sweet young man and his family.

While Kaye was at clinic I went over to try and see Tricia but the nurses informed me "It's Not A Good Time". I felt helpless and wanted so badly to run down that hall and just take it all away, but I could not. The entire way to Vandy that morning was full of consent prayers for Matthew. Even when Harold, our wonderful welcome guy at the front door loved on Kaye I almost felt empty. All I could think about was Matthew. The hospital was all the same, nothing had changed except our sweet friend was hanging on and there was nothing I could do and that broke my heart.

Just when is it "A Good Time"? We just move in our life from one day to the next, one event, one struggle. I can tell you that it is never a good time to have the Beast....Cancer enter you life. It truly knocks the wind out of your lungs and knocks your feet out from under you. You have to learn to lean on something much stronger, something that encourages you to have hope, hope in the day or even just the moment. My insides ache right about now and I know I will have to feel this pain. I keep checking my email to see if Tricia has either posted there or on Caringbridge. I pray for good news....I need good news, I just pray.